Selfish Crab

the view from the top of Bela Tola by selfish crab.

Where I end my side-trip detour to Hotel Weisshorn, and return to the main path, viz a viz the Swiss hamlet of Gruben. would you like to know more? …

# 2010 Mar 11    {Life, Photos}    #

hotel weisshorn by selfish crab.

The whole point of my side trip was to visit this old historic Hotel, and then walk around it. would you like to know more? …

# 2010 Mar 4    {Life, Photos}    1

Apparently, there is something about my friendship that causes diaspora. Or is that just the late twenty-somethings talking.

# 2010 Mar 3    {Life}    #

Ascending Col de Torrent by selfish crab.

I am trying to do one day per week. would you like to know more? …

# 2010 Feb 16    {Photos}    1

If Mark Twain didn’t have to use a fucking winky face, why should I have to?

# 2010 Feb 15    {Life}    #

Few situations justify use of the word “quixotic” more than the way in which some approach the idea of romantic love, or by modern extension, marriage. Late-twenties man-child ruminating on notions of love, feel free to abort now, reader. A few recent incidents, and a well timed holiday, have brought me here.

One acquaintance (I disclaim friendship explicitly here) recently told a story about corresponding with a young gentleman by telephone, twice a week, for over 8 months, as coordinated by their parents. In his pictures, he seemed “hot”. But yet within five minutes of their first meeting, she knew “he was a dud.” His indictment? When asked his favorite ice cream, he replied, plainly, “vanilla.” My friends cackle in commiseration when they tell this story.

One friend, when rebuked by her parents for being too picky and not openminded enough, upon rejecting men by their bushels based on their profile pic, replied, “Don’t you want the best for me? You don’t want me to settle, do you?”

This concept of Settling, and the extreme fear of it, is utterly toxic. Rather than being contrarian and saying that you, yes you, should be happy with settling, I posit that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SETTLING, and therefore, put aside your spindler nightmares and retire your old maid fantasies. Are expectations of a mate required to be reasonable? If not, then let me inform you that my soulmate is a former Victoria Secret model, who gave it up not because of her love of food– no, her body is like that naturally– but rather, so that she could finish her PhD degree in nuclear engineering, who does the Times crossword in ink, who curses in Cantonese, who is quietly filthy rich. Anything less than that would be settling.

Modern romance sometimes reminds me of a lukewarm Apple product launch. There’s a checklist that’s never complete (Screen is too small, not enough space, no flash support, no multitasking / He’s not tall enough, not cute, isnt my ethnicity, there’s no “wow” factor). It’s all the same problem. Unjustifiable expectations. Love is simply over hyped.

[this post didn't come out nearly as well as i thought it would; maybe next year will bring the definitive valentine's day post.]

# 2010 Feb 14    {Life}    1

Snow day meant Partner’s thirteen yr old son idled around the office this afternoon. I thought I would interact with the kid a bit, thought it would curry favor with Partner. Let’s see, what did I like was I was thirteen: oh, I know! Programming languages!

“Michael, Michael, do you know SQL?”.

Blank stare.

“You know, databases. SQL, right?”.

Long silence, because I hadn’t mentally prepared for this scenario.

“No? SQL. You haven’t learned SQL yet? S-Q-L. Like MySQL.”

Filling time with an awkward grin.

“Not yet? Don’t you go to school now? I thought you went to some camp for this.”

Partner overhears, intervenes: “hm, no probably doesn’t know that.”

“Oh okay it’s just that I found out our firm website has an SQL injection vulnerability and I thought if you wanted to later we could draft a malformed query to see what can happen maybe cause some hijinks or something yknow if you werent busy. Hey it’s cool no big deal okay gotta get back to go back to work hey slap me five wait what yeah naw dude.”

And so it stands, in ascending order of awkward interactions:

5. Waitresses
4. Middle aged co-workers
3. Small children
2. Children of middle-aged co-workers
1. Animals; pets

# 2010 Feb 10    {work}    1

Day 7 was one of my favorite days of the hike. Some choice photograph and videos here. would you like to know more? …

# 2010 Feb 6    {Life, Photos}    #

IMG_1178 by selfish crab.

I went to Whistler Mountain in British Columbia, Canada. And snowboarded my heart out. And took a few photos and videos. would you like to know more? …

# 2010 Feb 3    {Life, Photos}    #

I’m finding my new favorite question to be asked is, “What are your thoughts on this?” It’s like a starter pistol for my ego. My views have hardened, too. Not to say I was once a sunshine carebear, but my level of certainty in the foolhardiness of men and the haughtiness of women has risen a great deal.

I met another would-be writer the other day. We discussed his nascent novel. I asked him why he writes; he responded: “I am writing the book I have always wanted to read.”. How egocentric. Okay I’m in.

New Years Goal: participate in National Novel Writing Month. How hard could that shit be? Now accepting plot or character submissions. So far I have sketched out a boy-child capable of awkward moments yet also episodes of genius. Falls in love with a girl of as yet undetermined height, weight, and occupation. Will maturity be a theme? Yes. Will egocentricity? Yes. Will ennui feature as a major plot device? You betcha. Setting likely to be an alternative future set in 2003-era Brooklyn, a sort of a steampunk (look it up, mickey) vision. No magical minority figures. No orphans. Sex: okay, but no use of the word “rod”. Love: okay, so long as no one is happy. I will probably break at least one of these rules. Here we go.

# 2010 Jan 31    {Life}    1

Because my opinion is more considered than yours:

• Let’s first set aside the name jokes. Yes, it’s bad. Part of me wonders how the name is greeted internationally; Americans have a tendency to narrowly use words in specific contexts. Maybe “pad” plays differently elsewhere.
• The underwhelmed reaction to the iPad is a testament to two things: 1) the stilting nature of hype (more on that later); and 2) the degree to which the iPhone is a device at least three years ahead of its time. People are dismissing the iPad as “merely” a giant iPhone. What kind of insult is that? “Why, this new product is just like that other product that overnight transformed expectations of mobile devices and mobile computing, except this one has a much nicer screen, runs much faster, and has more software. Meh.” Imagine for a second if the iPhone was never released. How amazing is the iPad as a brand new PC? Multitouch gestures. Incredibly slick software, app ecosystem, and engineering. Does anything on the market come close? The fact that the iPhone came FIRST seems almost backwards. It’s like the iPad, the best tablet computer ever made to this date, but fits in your pocket and it makes phone calls!
• Feel free to calculate the size of the entire netbook market, and add it to the Apple’s next quarterly revenue. Who the fuck would now buy a shitty laptop with this product priced so aggressively? The $499 starter price is transcendental.
• God, I hate “hype”. Yes, Let me build up a product with incessant chatter fueled by nothing more than my own speculation and curiousity, and then cynically dismiss the product as “overhyped” when it finally is released, and decry and blame the product itself for failing to meet expectations generated without encouragment from the product maker. The same fate befell the Segway, which people still dismiss as an overhyped bust. Dean Kamen never said a single word to generate the anticipation it had; and when it was finally released: thud. (even tho it remains a brilliant invention for individuals of limited mobility).

This product release destroyed my afternoon productivity so excuse me if I am feeling a bit loquacious. I probably have more to say. Anyone want to chime in with other conventional thoughts that I can rebut?

Update (2010 Jan 28) more thoughts:

• One of the more common questions I hear is, “What the hell is this for?” or “What does this do that I can’t do with my laptop or my iPhone?”¹   Okay, at least about once a month, before I became an asshole, I used to receive an e-mail from some friend asking for a laptop recommendation.  My first question, besides budget, would be: “What are your needs?  What are you going to do with it?”  The answer was almost always:  ”Oh, you know.  Nothing crazy.  Just need something with which to check my e-mail, surf the web, and listen to music.”  In many ways, there’s your iPad market.  I’m fairly convinced there’s no more pleasant way to surf the web than holding a tablet in your hands, but I won’t know for sure until March.
• Corollary to above:  do you know who recently told me,  ”just need something with which to check my e-mail, surf the web”?  My parents.  I would buy my parents an iPad in a second.  I know you are all myopic millennials who don’t pay attention to other people, but have you ever seen a person older than 50 use a computer?  It’s painful.  When they want to scroll, they gently move the mouse down to the scroll bar– almost… almost… too far… where is it… oh yes. ah.  Click.  They maximize the window they’re using, even when it looks absurd on a 22″ widescreen flat panel.   When they log into websites, they squint to make sure the cursor is in the box, then they stare down at the keyboard to type their login/password, not realizing it when they are accidentally type in the wrong box. They sure as hell as are not firing up Adobe Photoshop.  The simplicity and size and handling of the iPad fits them.  It inherits the renowned accessibility features of the iPhone. (Also, I sure as hell won’t have to obliterate the OS every 6 months because of some malware they’ve picked up.)  I’m telling you, the baby-boomer birthdays/anniversaries/Xmas will be GANGBUSTER for the iPad.²
• As disappointed as some are in the iPad, I am disappointed in their disappointment.  The general geek criticism sounds like this (feel free to read in a droll, gum-smacking voice): “no multitasking, no flash, no video camera OMG not even a regular camera, big ugly bezel [???], no HDMI out, PASS.”  I would have thought after the infamous “No wireless. Less space than a nomad. Lame.“, people would stop criticizing new products this way.  Guess not.  My own criticism is that the device isn’t radical enough.  I could care less about feature checklists.  I want more crazy multi-touch gestures, more connectivity.  I want a special on-screen keyboard that I can use to type one-handed while I hold the iPad with the other hand (no really).  I just want something from the future.  Does Jobs really think this device is more magical than the iPhone?  Maybe only in the way in that this product a new category of products that Apple is dedicated to making and supporting for the long haul.  It indicates how computers may operate in the future: filesystem completely abstracted away from users; computer linked to a spending account, wireless connectivity from anywhere.

1. The lack of immediately clear market indicates to me that Apple may bust open a completely untapped market. (If you said, “Oh, right, this product is an X,” chances are there is already a competitor sitting there.) [↩]
2. Just as, according to my pet theory, the iPod was massively successful because it was the PERFECT graduation gift for parents and relatives to give to high school seniors.  Cool enough, expensive enough, and you knew they would love it. [↩]

# 2010 Jan 28    {Life, nerd, opine}    5

benches by selfish crab.

Most of these were taken by with iPhone. would you like to know more? …

# 2010 Jan 12    {Life, Photos}    3

Refuge du Col de balme – ALT by selfish crab.

The memories continue. would you like to know more? …

# 2010 Jan 11    {Photos}    #

Sorry about the delay. Didn’t realize this never went out. As for December, I refer you to my Decade in Review 00’s.

1. Drew Barrymore has hosted Saturday Night Live more than any other woman (a measly 5 times). Meanwhile, Alec Baldwin has hosted 13 times. [source]
2. Prior to Lasik surgery, Tiger Woods suffered from -11 nearsightedness, considered the worst 1%, legally blind without corrective glasses or contacts. Please note that nearsightedness and shortsighted-ness are separate and distinct. [source]
3. Thanksgiving used to be on last Thursday of November, but President FDR moved it up to the penultimate Thursday to stimulate more holiday shopping. (from the no-actually-nothing-is-sacred dept) [source]
4. Pantone, the maker of the ubiquitous Pantone Color Matching System and the global oracle of all matters chromatic, is headquartered in Carlstadt, NJ. [source]
5. bildungsroman – n. a type of novel concerned with the education, development, and maturing of a young protagonist [source: no idea where I spotted this word]
6. Blighty – n. an English slang term for Britain, deriving from the Hindustani word vilāyatī (विलायती). Wikipedia says: it “can now be considered self-consciously archaic and, when used by younger speakers, can be intended slightly ironically. It is more commonly used as a term of endearment by the expatriate British community.” [source: Mondavi]
7. Prior to the completion of the Birj Khalifa in Dubai, the tallest manmade structure standing was the KVLY-TV mast– a TV tower!– in North Dakota (2,063 m) [source]

# 2010 Jan 6    {Links}    1

two people viewing mountains by selfish crab.

Another day, another batch. would you like to know more? …

# 2010 Jan 5    {Photos}    2

Allow me, a roaring tiger of this generation, to comment on several matters, taking the long view:

- Politics: In Sept 2000, everyone thought Governor Bush seemed stupid. Turned out everyone was right. In fact it was worse: President Bush was foolish, intellectually discurious, simple-minded, and inarticulate. But hell if he probably isn’t great to have a drink or a smoke with.

- Politics2: the Republican Party descended into obsolescence. The party now apparently considers its base a frothing mix of xenophobes, homophobes, and fiercely ignorant people. This became the party that seems to hates science and knowledge. One third of the Republican presidential nominees raised their hand when asked whether they did not believe in evolution. EVOLUTION.

- 9/11 was a very bad thing caused by very bad people which gave supposedly good people a license to do many many other bad things.

- Internet: everyone is hot in the pants for “blogging” and “Twitter”, treating them as new media animals, but these are really just new formats of the old world wide web. Consider their touted benefits: very low barrier to wide audiences, democratization of opinion; isn’t that the web?

- Internet 2: Facebook is my generation’s gift to everyone else. Everyone else, also, is using it incorrectly. Who the fuck becomes facebook friends with Doritos and Miley Cyrus? No one.

- Television: make no mistake, this was the golden age of television. The writing was ambitious, the production value soared. The Sopranos, The Wire, Arrested Development, Lost, Mad Men, battlestar gallactica, The Office (UK), even the perennial Simpsons. Consider how many movie actors now feature in shows. (Contrast that with George Clooney’s flight from “ER” in the 90s.). Thankfully PVRs were also invented.

Television2: Critics may call out some of trashy shows, deriding the rise of so-called “reality-shows”. Except there was never such a thing as reality show. This is a label pundits use to exaggerate a commentary on the truth-fiction dichotomy of our time (Frank Rich I am looking at you). No, we just had more game shows (Survivor, The Amazing Race, hell even, The Bachelor) and more documentaries (Real World, Wife Swap, The Deadliest Catch).

- Culture: Everything I liked that used to be an marginal subculture became very popular and very lucrative. My comic books became fodder for movies, as did my fantasy novels; my videogames were now played by obnoxious frat boys; even the word “nerd” changed from the scarlet branding of the unwanted to a playful slap of self-deprecation. All I have left are Magic cards and Settlers of Catan.

Some gratuitous superlatives:–

Company of the Decade: Google
Runner up: Apple

Winners of the decade: Afghan women
Losers: American schoolchildren

Best innovation: iTunes Store (getting people to pay for shit is HARD in the Internet age of Free. I mean, Apps store = people actually paying for software?!).

Worst innovation: Craigslist (Craig Newmark’s refusal to play fair and be a capitalist and monetize CL has gutted newspapers.)

This decade has been so eventful I honestly can’t wait to see the next one. Hopefully not as many people will die due to incompetency, malice, or sheer bad luck. We can probably all give up on the jetpacks (carbon footprint, people). My own predictions are that the attitude towards privacy will continue to change, a huge cyberwar will disrupt everything, and I will probably discontinue this blog by 2016 after the birth of my second son.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, CRABBERS! SEE YOU IN THE FUTUREZ!

# 2009 Dec 30    {Life}    1

If you are like me and the holiday times create a thirst for poetry, consider the recently released first book of poems by poet Joan Kane, the Cormorant Hunter’s Wife. (Note: The poet is a friend of selfish crab.) Poet Kane has a life history worth covering in newspaper, and indeed several have (see 1, also 2.) The first run is almost sold out, and it’s unclear if there will be a second. Purchase it directly through paypal, or if you prefer giving your money to middlemen, through Amazon. Support the arts, and a great Columbian. I could gush more about Poet Kane, but– actually I will. Let’s get to it: Joan Kane makes me feel stupid. Not just stupid, but dumb as paint. Joan Kane makes me stutter. Joan Kane has the cumulative life experience of 8 women, and luckily has the mind artful enough to share it with the rest of us. Joan Kane teaches me a new word everyday, with emoticons. Joan Kane quotes apt verse. APT VERSE, people. Joan Kane can pun “eskimo” like wow.

Buy her book. Crab out.

# 2009 Dec 29    {Life}    #

Me: Why are you out of breath?
Brother: [My wife] just asked me how many pull-ups could I do on the pull-up bar.

# 2009 Dec 25    {Life}    #