When I write the word “habit”, I want to spell it “habbit”, because of rabbits and hobbits.
Archive for July, 2002
truths about dating
Just got IMed this excerpt from an article at Observational Humor.com:
No offense to anyone, but if you don’t date much in college, then you won’t date much after college. Think of the situation you’ve been given. You live in a one-mile area that consists of thousands of members of the opposite sex, 99% of whom aren’t married, and all within four years of your age. If that’s not enough, you’re put in small rooms with these people for 4 months, and then you’re given a new set of people for the next four months - and this happens eight times. No one has an unlisted phone number, and everyone eats in the same place. Then, members of the opposite sex are given a lot of alcohol, and are all hanging out in the same 5 places every night. Face it, if you can’t score now, then give up.
First, ObHu.com is ridiciously funny and clever. The jokes are so on-the-mark. You definitely should go check it out. Also, the site’s written by a recent graduate of Columbia!
Secondly, the above observation stung me, and then it inspired me… I’ve decided. That’s it. I’ve had enough. Come September, I’m gone. I’ll date a log if thats what it takes to get back into the swing of things. Homeboy here needs to step up and take a few pitches. I’m making some good bank this summer, so I should be able to take a girl out to someplace fancy, like Ollie’s or the Cottage. I’ll even swipe her through on my Metrocard. Or we could stay in and I’d cook for her my famous gourmet ramen noodles. Do you feel the excitement?
If you, at home, have been keeping track, this would make it the 325th time I’ve vowed to myself to get up and date something.
time
Asteroid may hit Earth: “Initial calculations indicate there is a chance the asteroid - known as 2002 NT7 - will hit the Earth on February 1, 2019.” Feb of 2019? That’s plenty of time! By then, I hope to have had sex at least three times. Why three? Well, once, to get the hang of it; twice, to practice; and the third time, to really nail it.
bad timing
Man, sometimes timing just sucks. Big K would be perfect for this. But, alas, he has an other. The ol’ ball and chain. The life sentence. The life-force-sucking phantom. The love-tax collector. Perhaps he wants another other.
to be filed under “What the hell was I doing in HS instead…?”
STD rate rises as teens go face first. “It’s a world where unprotected oral sex — even among the ‘good girls’ — is casual experimentation and not couched with any notion of intimacy. There are few ’steady’ relationships, and many teens have several sex partners.” My favorite part of the article, besides hearing good ol’ Jewel talk about sex in between smacks of gum, is this nugget: “Boys get off while girls maintain their “technical virginity” without fear of getting pregnant.” Gotta love teenage logic.
job security
A co-worker on government job security:
Him: You’d have to rape the Director’s wife, beat and kill her, then rape her again.. and then maybe rape the Director himself, and then you might, just might, get fired.
I had no idea
brown blogs
For all those south-asian readers out there, here’s a list of indian blogs [via scripting.com]. It’s strange that Turbanhead is not on there. Neither is Bay. Bay should get more publicity. Bay bay bay bay.
the People Names That Are Words game
Ok, people, I am not accepting anymore product brand names that have supplanted their common names. I am tired of hearing “Post-It” notes IMed to me. This game is closed. I never bothered to compile a final good list, but let that be an exercise left to the reader.
So here’s the new game craze: The Common American People Names that are Words game. Objective: Find as many common people’s names that are also valid english words. Example: Frank. Note: no hippie names (thus the “common” qualifier) and homophones will reluctantly be accepted.
- Frank
- Ernest (homophone)
- Randy (personal favorite)
- May
- Rose, Lily (and all the other girl flower names)*
- Bob
- Jay [mimi]
- Drew [mimi] (good one!)
- Nick [mimi]
- Carrie [mimi] (homophone)
- Abbey [mimi]
- Art [mimi]
- Matt [mimi] (homophone)
- Avery [mimi] (yeah I know, Mimi went crazy)
- Josh [vib] (eh.. slang?)
- John [vib] (eh.. slang?)
* Who started this trend of naming their daughter after a flower? Did the virginity metaphor slip their mind at the time? Might as well name the child “Cherry”. [update: whoa. there is a "Sherry".. hmmm].
Update: This game has been killed. I won’t be acceptin any more entries in this. Some foul beast named Mimi decided to sit down and enumerate an entire list of some 30 names that are valid, which I won’t post. This is unsportsmanlike and bordering on obscene misconduct. What unfun. Play in your own households. Bah.
efforts
Went to the library today after work. Saw a cute girl picking up her summer reading. I noticed that when I see cute girls, I don’t smile at them. Instead, I pretend that I am unaffected by their enchanting looks, and that I am a masculine man. I don’t smile; I brood. I don’t walk around; I strut. It’s a pitiful moment for everyone involved.
Oh yeah, I also took out the following books:
- A Day in the Life: The Music and Artistry of the Beatles
- McCartney: Yesterday & Today
- The Lost Beatles Interviews
and, finally,
- The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Songwriting
I mean, Happy 4th
Ahem, what I meant to say was, Happy Fourth of July. In related news, has anyone else noticed that properties with changable signs (like fire departments, or township message boards) are putting up the words “One Nation Under God”, as a sign of opposition to the recent 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals.
[place digital picture of said signs here.]
readership bye bye
So, in view of it all, this blog has lost its luster, and most likely, its readership. I think I’m going to take it slow and take it the way I want to. I’m going to start adding more pics as soon as I get a digital camera. Other than that, the pressure to produce is annoying me. If you want fresh young energy, check out my friends. Bay searches; and Maggie is a doll.
I’m going to sit in a corner now and be more private. It’s a lonely world. Might as well bring a book.
sick
Umm… I would like to take some time out and warn my friends that I am coming down with an acute case of Lonely Desperatitus. What is this debilitating syndrome? Well, prolonged periods of inactivity with the opposite sex have been cause an incident or two. Symptoms include a desparate look in eyes, irregular heartbeat, extremely flirtatious behavior, insistence on “getting [one's] slice of the flava flave”, and radical misinterpretation of the slightest attention paid by a female. Here are some examples:
Example 1
Me: Excuse me, what time is it?
Random girl: Quarter to one.
Me: ::drool::
Example 2
Me: Hey, how’s it going?
Girl: Oh hi, [crab]! Nice to see you.
Me: y-y-yes… It is the good to see you the s-s-same. H-how are your breas—er… i mean job. How’s the summer job?
Girl: Fine.
Me: I see you have the hots me for me. Ok, let me sire some babies.
So no one pay any attention to me. The meekest girl’s smile will cause me to run long dramatic fantasies in my head, most likely involving dirty scenes on a beach. Pay me no attention. No one dance with me, or call me, or even use my name.
Ok, where is this coming from? I went out and partied all weekend and went to a club or two and got the groove on. I danced with a cute girl or two and I can’t get the incidents out of my poor lopsided head. ::sighs:: I think I need balance in my life.