an open letter to my bracket pool

To: [bracket pool]
From: Selfish Crab.
Subject: day one, march madness

Peers,

I must admit that I am a wee dismayed at the first day’s results. According to the standings, I am only trumping Mr. Weiss, who technically failed to fill out a bracket and will forever yield zero points. There is an old Chinese saying: no glory befalls those that prevail over corpses in footraces.

I was lured into this “bracket” game of yours by promises of prestige, riches, and fellowship. Your bracket-mongers assured me any heuristic would suffice in choosing my bracket. My method was: “If the schools’ avatars faced in a bout of physical combat, who would be the victor?”

This is why I divined the Davidson Wildcats to defeat the Maryland Terrapins. Surely a wildcat, that sleek package of claws and fangs, would best a mere turtle, a chelonian idol of impotence. Alas, even the most ferocious felines run into foul trouble.

And so I lie, in the dregs of the standings. The “sittings”, if you will. I am steeled for the worst of it. A day shall come in which I will smite you all. Look for that day.

Best,
Selfish Crab

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