I am receiving an alarming amount of cheek pinches. A big “aww puddy wuddy” face grab when I am out among my fellow revellers, drowned heartily in the village mead. The candidate reasons for this are the usual, scorned suspects mentioned too often in this space.

Our scientists at the Selfish Crab Labs are working hard on this problem. Someday we hope to have the technology to convert these cheek pinches into something useful, such as hugs, or kisses on the cheek, or kisses on the lips, or “I love you”s.


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