hows law school
Apparently my proselytizing is starting to bear fruit; friends are now approaching me to ask: “Hey, my brother/cousin/niece/neighbor/co-worker is thinking about applying to law school. I have heard you do not like law school. Can I give him your contact information so he/she could pick your brain?” BE ALL MEANS, YES.
Why is law school or joining the legal profession a bad idea? When you become a lawyer, there are only two options: fucked cog or fucked change agent, and guess which one leads to happiness? That’s right, neither. fucking. one.
The cog is the fancy lawyer, the sexy one that makes $160,000 straight out of law school for being a fuckwad and graduating from an fuckwad school that can be abbreviated by HYP (hint: does NOT stand for “Hairless-shit”, “Yonic-imprint”, or “Piss-ant”), or otherwise being entirely based on your law school GPA and the reputation of your school. Law school’s idea of ‘meritocracy’ is put the world’s biggest tools in one class, have one final exam which counts for 100% of your grade, then grade viciously on a curve, and give only the top 15% jobs they want. The most common song heard in the hallways is not “Kumbaya”, but rather “Don’t Blink While I Fucking Stab You In The Back So I Can Make Law Review fa-ra-ra-ra ra ra”
This is the circle of hell where Prestige Means Everything. You could be a legal expert with 20 years of experience and the fucking piss-ants around you still like to ask where you went to school and whether you had a high GPA. You could be a fucking nominee for the Supreme Court and the shits’n’turdz of the underworld still want to know which eating club at Princeton was your favorite.
This is the circle of hell perfectly embodied by the legal tabloid Above the Law, with its constant whining about pay raises, law school and firm rankings, and bonuses. See if you can stomach its annual bellyaching about Associate Bonuses (actual fucking lede quote: “White & Case, which recently laid off 70 people, has announced that they will pay half of what Skadden is offering“.) LOVE THAT SHIT because that is the spirit of your fucking peers, your rallying war banner: Pay Me More So I Can Justify My Unhappiness With Stents and Cash. Really, money will be the only balm for the pain you feel for the dwindling personal connections to real live people that aren’t fucking lawyers.
Have you ever seen precocious children with big mouths, the argumentative ones that always talked back? The ones to whom people always say: “wow, you should become a lawyer.” Guess what? ALL THOSE ARGUMENTATIVE FUCKWADS ARE IN LAW SCHOOL. Law schools are filled with people who love to hear their fucking gums flap. I’ve once heard someone brag they could ‘out-talk’ everyone. Oh, what heights of douchery do these fuckwad rise to! Bar none, I have met the worst human beings I have ever met in my life in law school. Law school is also full of those losers that figure they should go to law school because they need actual job skills that they never bothered to get in undergraduate school because learning about philosophy and English literature is an excellent way to spend $50,000/year.
The intellectual challenge and quality of work in the legal professoin? 0.5% of lawyers get the juicy good work (also, see below change agent), but you, my friend, are the fucking smegma on the c0ck of capitalism. You review shitty documents, copy and paste forms, all day long. The work is so bad you wish you could instead make coffee for the partner because at least you would be creating something of value n this world instead of being the professional equivalent of santorum.
Okay so maybe you want to be a change agent. Public defender. Prosecutor. Immigration advocate. Policy maker. Guess what salary these positions receve? That’s right, two shits and a half. There is no stakeholder in this world for the actual legal positions that add value or help people. You will enjoy a frugal lifestyle because you will have to live like a celibate monk to pay back nearly $160,000 in student loans. (Can someone tell me why the fuck law school costs $40,000/year? All it takes to start a school is a professor, desks, chairs, and a classroom. We pay for our own $200 textbooks. There’s no necessity for fancy laboratories / cadavers / supplies that you might see in a medical school.)
In conclusion, DO NOT GO TO LAW SCHOOL. [source].