Selfish Crab

1. The practice of relying on your employer for health insurance is unique to the U.S., and has its roots during WWII, when the government– fearful of escalating labor costs– froze pay scales, but permitted businesses to compete through such benefits as healthcare.  [source]
2. Um, basically everything about elevators I could want to know.  [source: this epic article about the world of elevators]
   • It’s disastrous to have a cafeteria on anything but the ground floor, or one floor above or below it, accessible via escalator.
   • In 1999, a guy was trapped in a NY office building elevator for 41 hours, over the weekend, when he tried to go downstairs for a smoke break.  His life was never the same.  [time lapse video]
   • “The Bronx family-court system was in a shambles last year because the elevators at its courthouse kept breaking down. (The stairs are closed, owing to security concerns.) This led to hour-long waits, which led to missed court dates, needless arrest warrants, and life-altering family strife.”

# 2009 Mar 31 • From the 'Links' dept • 1

For 30 minutes I searched for a word in my mind, then found the word, the word being “fecund”, further discovering it had little to do with my intended use, in which I referred to shit.   I offer it to you in hopes you not repeat my wasteful search.

fecund – capable of producing offspring or vegetation; fruitful.   or, Marked by intellectual productivity.

# 2009 Mar 30 • From the 'Life' dept • 1

——-
From: MV
Date: Wed, Mar 18, 2009 at 12:40 AM
To: Crab

http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/gigantic/

———-
From: Crab
Date: Wed, Mar 18, 2009 at 10:25 PM
To: MV

http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/500daysofsummer/

I swear to god, Zooey breaks the heart of anyone she’s ever been in a movie with– or anyone who’s seen those movies, for that matter.

———-
From: MV
Date: Wed, Mar 18, 2009 at 11:29 PM
To: Crab

She is adorable/gorgeous…but doesn’t she always play the same exact – spaced out hipster – role?  My fave Zooey was ‘All the Real Girls’.  To me, that film made epitomized the peak of young love and geek-ness.  It’s a great film.  Killer – ugh, heartbreaking – soundtrack.  Cactus Wren – Mark Olson and the Creekdippers.

———-
From: Crab
Date: Thu, Mar 19, 2009 at 2:04 AM
To: MV

You are correct to question her acting chops.  Nonetheless, in that trailer for Gigantic where she, lying on a mattress, looks up with those baby blues and asks Paul Dano, “will you have sex with me”– or something to that effect, the exact wording escapes me; that was simply how it figures in my own mind, when, of course, she, lying on my own mattress, looks up at my own self, and asks me, “will you have sex with me, [crab]“.  There is a sort of congruence to those words which few will protest to.  So, let me return to the point that, in the trailer, when she looks up, and utters those liquidating words, the audience forgets every role, past or future, she has done or will ever do, and assume rightly that this, this living embodiment of charm– part-nereidien, part-dryadian, and yes, part-hipster– this is the role she was meant to play, and that all in the universe is just and proper and settled.

good night.

# 2009 Mar 24 • From the 'Life' dept • 1

I am surprised that celebrities do not try harder to foil the efforts of those insistent hooligans: the paparazzi.  Nonetheless, hand extensions are popular.  So are downward-casting eyes.  Mr. Kanye West recently demonstrated that the classic grab-camera-and-smash-on-floor move is not only an inefficient deterrent to photography, but also, a felony.

So, to those that suffer at the hands of group of strange men documenting one’s every trip to Duane Reade, all flip-flops afoot and ironic t-shirt donned, all Just Like Us, to them, I humbly offer two innovative solutions:

1. Mist with a spritz water bottle.  Face it, camera lenses are very sensitive to schmutz.  Any water droplets, fog, hair, sand, or granuelle on the front of the camera lens will ruin a photograph.  So, arm the bodyguards with spritz/spray bottles filled with distilled water, and a shot of mist should disrupt any in-your-face paparazzi for a significant amount of time.    The lens cannot be quickly wiped, for fear of scratching.  The light water does not damage the camera, eventually evaporating without leaving a smidgen of residue.  Also: this item reportedly works on cats.
2. Dump the market.  Paparazzi only hound celebrities because the financial upside is huge: they  unload photos to the tabloids for amount as high as $1,000 per juicy photo [citation needed, okay maybe I just made it up].  The solution then is to remove the financial incentive for paparazzis to bother following a given celebrity.  We can do that by dumping on the price for celebrity photos by flooding the market with cheap photos of that celebrity.
   Here’s an example:  Assume Owen Wilson.  Owen Wilson hires a photographer Phil, on an exclusive contract, to take pictures of Owen Wilson as he goes about his day.  Owen Wilson may even tip off the exclusive photographer on his occasional location so as to capture candids.   The exclusive photographer Phil, under contract, then turns around and sells these photos to the tabloids but at a huge discount, let’s say, for mere dollars.  Presumably, the tabloids will realize they don’t have to pay $1,000/photo for photos of Owen Wilson from all the other paparazzi;  why bother when they can just buy them from Phil on the cheap?   The market value of Owen Wilson photos plummets.  The paparazzi say, “WTF? I’m not going to follow around Owen Wilson  all day.  It’s not worth the time.  Where’s Christian Bale at?”   And there you have it.  Economic warfare.

Thoughts, audience?  Will the spritz defense result in lawsuits anyway or merely usher in the era of the telephoto?  Is dumping-the-market unviable in the aggregate?

# 2009 Mar 24 • From the 'opine' dept • #

Let’s face it:  I need more content, insightful and original, beyond my typical self-absorbed musings.  I am jealous of Irina’s undoubtedly soaring page views.   Perhaps I will write at length about Chinese restaurants, or maybe report on my experiment with Quitting Books.  Stay tuned.

# 2009 Mar 23 • From the 'meta' dept • 7

wings, thorax, legs by selfish crab.

I hope none of you read blogs while eating lunch at their desk.

See also.

# 2009 Mar 11 • From the 'Life', 'Photos' dept • 2

Okay, I just ate a porterhouse dinner at Peter Lugar so excuse me if this post is written by a mind awash in protein, all hazy and numb and in dire need of fresh produce.

I ask you, the Aether, this:  how is it possible to spend an entire farewell-dinner talking about the economy and the loss of jobs in new york city?  Comparing mortgage interest rates about the table? Providing a cursory analysis of real estate markets in New York, Hong Kong, and Dubai?   Look, I love my friends, but I am noticing a majority of my conversations live solely on a diet of personal updates, gossip, and arguments about facts that could be googled in 30 seconds (e.g.”what is the circumference of the Earth?”).   Is this an aspect of being Asian-american, letting their materialism shine through?  Or of being the children of immigrants, evincing a lack of common cultural touchstones which higher dialogues often rely upon?  Are we destined to forever conduct dry exchanges of just-the-facts-ma’am and never have grand yet grounded conversations about big ideas (love, art, creativity, fate)?  As in being curious about others’ lives between the sheets,  I wonder if everyone is simply having better conversations than I am. Chime in the comments on where you fall in here.

Okay, fine, let’s all exchange promises.  You promise to never accuse me of being “deep” or “weird”, and I promise to cease being, it seems, the lightning rod for banality that I am.

# 2009 Mar 6 • From the 'Life' dept • 5

untitled huangpu – 14 by selfish crab.

And also:

# 2009 Mar 3 • From the 'Photos' dept • #

It seems a good way to steer your career is to base your goals on qualifications for jobs you wish you had.  In other words, job listings make good career roadmaps.

Here’s an example. Facebook is seeking to hire a patent counsel.   I have none of the listed preferred skills and experience.  But I’m going to write them down now, but convert them into to-do actions for the next five years:

• Get 3-9 years of patent prosecution experience
• Manage an in-house patent prosecution program
• Identify strategic areas for patenting and patentable inventions
• Evaluate potential acquisitions
• Educate employees on patent law issues
• Improve internal processes

Now I can go to my boss and say, Jim– I imagine his name is Jim, because why not– Jim, I would love to get some experience evaluating potential acquisitions for our clients.  If you hear of any of new deals, let me know and I would be happy to help out.   Check the box.   Jim, can I sit in next time you teach the clients about patent issues?  Check.

After five years, all these to-do items become bullet points on my resumé and I just might get that dream job, economy in a shitter notwithstanding.  What do you think?

# 2009 Mar 2 • From the 'law school', 'work' dept • #