Rejected best man speech – excerpts

… True love is an algebra problem involving one train heading west at 70 mph, leaving New York at 31 years old, and one train heading east at 30 mph, leaving Adolescence at 33. At what time will the trains pass each other, trade glances, and say hey why not it’s probably about time, yeah? …

…Yeah, love is like a soufflé. It’s all about timing, and about how much chocolate you add. …

… I hear that falling in love is like getting struck by lightning. I interpret this to mean that it rarely, if never, happens. It’s a random personal cataclysm, touching only a select few. No, no, let’s be serious. I am sure love is a smoldering thunderclap, a strike from the heavens, an official sign of approval from High Above. …

… True love is the purest evidence there exists a master plan, that your life has meaning expressed in the form of a complete and total complement. It suggests that life cannot be rudely interrupted by a million stings, that life may roll out in a red carpet after all. And it means the rest of us motherfuckers just aren’t looking hard enough. …

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