Wherein I attend a 8.5 hr review lecture on only 3 hrs of fitful stressed sleep.
7:00. Holy fuck why did I awake two hours before I’m supposed to?
7:45. Went to the gym. GYM. Hell is freezing over.
9:20. Times square office of barbri. Waiting for id to be printed by security desk, guys behind me talk about making the trip into the city for this taped lecture and about wearing a good shirt, cuz y’know.
9:22. Guys behind me stop mid-conversation to ogle a girl walking into the building, then another. They exchange whistles, elbows, jeers. Quality wits here. Good thing they wore their top shirts.
9:33. Professor Lakin begins. He is a dead ringer for Carl Reiner. He’s pushing 70, but got a grizzled spirit. We’ll see if he can go the distance today.
10:00. Lakin gives us direct advice on writing the essays. He says what a merely passing answer is , then what the winners write. Tells us to “push it”. Get those points. Yeah.
10:15. My neck is sore; I can’t turn it past 60 degrees. Is this from a bad night of sleep? Stress?? The pain makes me nauseous. I’m visibly uncomfortable.
11:05. Lakin moves onto criminal law.
11:18. Lakin says Bonnie and Clyde were “friends with benefits.”
11:21. Plug for Public Enemies as a study break.
12:28: Lakin promises if we write what he says, it will make the essay grader stand up and salute our essays. We want to “climb the ladder rung by rung til we reach the heavens of accomplishment.” Is this bar review or a Moonies meeting?
13:00: 30 minutes lunch break. It takes 10 minutes just to get downstairs, 20 minutes to get a sandwich. Who isn’t refreshed?
13:45. Dying. Falling asleep. During my weakest subject to boot, NY Practice. My notes on Notice of Pendency and Orders of Attachment look like rousing hieroglyphic calligraphy. I wonder if ancient Egyptian students would nod off during class and scribble perfect English letters on their papyrus.
14:30. Mags says maybe I should go home and get some rest and she’ll send me her notes. Well, no, cannot. On “advice” and “counsel”, I shelled out $150 this morning for this shlock. I will finish it like a bad burrito.
14:39. Reminds us to “push it”.
14:55. Lakin tells a joke that slaughters the room. Here it is: “In your essays, always add the language ‘in the absence of contrary ageeement’, which will always apply to the relevant rule, except, of course, IN CRIMINAL LAW OR TORTS.” Ha ha. A low bar for bar comedy. I would admit I laughed too if I wasn’t distracted by writing that last entry.
15:02. Lakin panders to the crowd. In discussing calculating contract damages, he tells that now-clichè law student joke about knowing that we all became lawyers to avoid doing any math yuck yuck but let’s get through it anyway yuck yuck. I’m audibily rolling my eyes, and snorting in derision. Someone has to fight the good fight against anti-intellectualism, people.
16:38. Penultimate break. Now I have to hear two guys from Long Island hit on these British girls they discovered behind me. Crash and burn, gentlemen.
16:45. Second wind. I realize those British girls behind us includes a very cute British Asian girl in a summer dress and dark-rimmed glasses. I do my best to look handsome and bar-ready. I try to communicate these qualities through my strong back muscles, but I am not sure if she speaks Flex.
17:02. Onto Wills.
17:38. Audible gasp from the crowd when Lakin reveals that over $100 million dollars escheats to New York every year.
17:50. In discussing equitable distribution upon a final decree of divorce, Lakin calls a deadbeat spouse a “Loser”, and we all laugh, probably to make sure we’re still capable of it.
18:10. Lakin is tearing through Domestic Relations. Yeah, cram 2 of 5 commonly-tested topics in the last hour. Genius.
18:20. We’re done! Brain is fried. I stumble out onto NYC, mumbling, shuffling, and done.
# 2009 Jul 24
{law school}
