I’m going to keep this one for myself. Not much more needed.
But since this is Selfish Crab’s Egocentric Temple of Betterment and Emporium of Cheap Puns, the text of my speech, which brought down the house, is included below. Special thanks to everyone that helped, especially S Pal, Hag, and KKA, who dealt with furious drafting at 1 AM on the eve.
Hello everyone. I’m not sure if everyone knows me. I am [Crab], [Groom’s] much more charming, much more single younger brother. I am here to say a few words, and shed a few tears.
Seeing [Groom] and [Bride] here as husband and wife is a beautiful sight, isn’t it? I know [Bride] may be nervous now and I imagine she’s wondering what surprises lay waiting, what qualities of [Groom] she does not yet know, or what the future will be like. Since I have been stuck with– I mean, related to [Groom] for over 27 years, I am very qualified to predict what your relationship and your marriage will be like.
[Bride], if your marriage will be anything like [Groom’s] and my relationship as brothers, you will fight very rarely. You will have respect for each other’s time and space, unless you try to borrow one of his toys, in which case WATCH OUT. You take without permission and then break one of his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action fugures and all of a sudden,you’re the bad guy. Youre the mean one. You’re the irresponsible one that can’t be trusted again. You never live something like that down. Just remember: ask first, and don’t break it.
[Bride], if your marriage will be anything like [Groom’s] and my relationship as brothers, you will get along much better if you live separately. I’m telling you, when he moved out to go to college, we became much nicer to each othe, and we become very close. We were like brothers. You will want to look at different cities, different boroughs at the least. Dinner together once in a while. No phone, email is fine. You will grow very close. I promise.
[Bride], if your marriage will be anything like [Groom’s] and my relationship as brothers, you will be slightly competitive at everything. But I have full confidence you will win, at everything. When we were younger we used to joke about how [Groom] got the short end of the stick in some ways. You know he was short and I was taller. He had rough skin and I had the skin of a baby seal. It’s true, folks. He played the clarinet, but I played the piano, the trumpet, and the guitar. He was humble, but I was much much humbler.
That’s about it, [Bride]. Are you still here? Ok good. Now you know what you’re getting yourself into. There’s no return policy.
In all seriousness, all kidding aside, earlier i talked about [Groom] and i competing and comparing ourselves to each other. There is a quality by which my brother far surpasses me or anyone I know or have ever met.
[Groom] has, in my opinion, the heart of a lion. Inside of him is a little engine that never says quit, never says i cannot do it, never says I’m too tired. When he does something, he does it 200 percent. And this is a secret weapon of his own making. No one can take that away from him. I admire him and look up to him. His is a path of passion and dedication. And I know his tenacity and determination is the source of his success, of his strength, of his faith, and now, of his love.
And when I see that he dedicates that same big heart to [Bride], I know that only good things can come from this.
One last thing I wanted to say, and this bit may make me cry. Look, Weddings are amazing events which we let us pause and reflect on every moment that gave rise to thus moment here, and remember every person that helped you get to this point. For those that here, we will toast and drink later. But sometimes there is injustice, and sometimes those people can’t live long enough to see us through to this moment. He’s not here right now, if he were, our grandfather, our a-gung, would be damn happy to see this. He would also want to know “can we eat yet?”. Soon enough, a gung. Thanks for listening.
Let’s raise our glasses to [Groom] and [Bride]. Everyone– I say cheers to a beautiful everlasting happiness forged by passion and dedication. To love!