Human lessons: Doorways

OKAY, I avoid people as much as the next smiley misanthrope, but if there’s one area of human interaction I have been forced to learn, it is doorways. Or rather, the rules of the doorway. Those fucking bottlenecks of space, where you are forced to face other members of the human race, those putrid oily faced dandies. However, it appears this one facet of human civilization puzzles many people, such that every occasion where two people meet at a door at the same time, particularly from opposite sides, every such encounter becomes a stutter step, a hem-haw’ed excuse-me ridden clusterfuck. YOU people, it seems, are inefficient IDIOTS when it comes to crowd fluid dynamics, so goddamn PAY ATTENTION.

RULE ONE: People in the “pull” direction of the door yield to people in the “push” direction. BECAUSE it is far easier for someone to hold up in the pull-way; otherwise the door comes swinging back, like an awkward rake slapping you in the head, you fart face.

RULE TWO. People in areas of low density yield to people in areas of high density. BECAUSE my exit from here gives you space to walk in, you fuckwad. Where the fuck are you going to go? Let me out first.

MTA COROLLARY: Shithead, let me out of the subway car before you come in.

MTA COROLLARY 2: Also, do not crowd the door. A subway car door permits two TWO one TWO people shoulder to shoulder to enter or exit. Do not be an anxious gnatfuck and hover around the door, choking the flow like a human sphincter. There is no rule of conservation of flow wherein halving the outlet area doubles the flow rate, like a finger in a faucet.

RULE THREE: Yield to the elderly, the infirm, and the pregnant. If this rule is not batshit obvious to you already, I might question whether you even possess the civilized nature to even read, or use a computer. Is it difficult to navigate the World Wide Wide, you slouch foreheaded cro magnon, what with your only mode of user input being slamming your fists into the keyboard and grunting at the screen? Does the magic box with lights and noises scare you? Why am I even talking to you. You disgust me.

CRAB OVER AND OUT.

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