Archive for June, 2011

Madness

Clearly been watching too much Game of Thrones. Apologies, your grace, for the abrupt shift of diction.

It’s odd, I have had more than a few female candidates say that they check this space and then remark, with disappointment, that they don’t find themselves mentioned. Are they mad?

Firstly, I would more likely report the results of a colonoscopy than bring here happy tidings of my romance. What kind of space do they think this is? Is my logo– my sigil, if you will– a cherished butterfly or a dove of love? No. Upper right. A snarling, cross eyed crab. This is a place where negativity spills from the mouths of babes so it does not pool and drown them. Where hope threatens to choke on its own regurgitations of disappointment. Where Love shares a table with Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and My Superstar Legal Eagle Career at the annual meeting for the Fictitious Legends of Great Import. Bah.

In any case, if you want anonymous dispatches from my heart, check the secret dating journal.

Anticipation lays the seed for disappointment. Hope remains the domain of fools.

Crab on Truth

In a typical movie scene, one character might gainsay another person, and the person may respond, “what, are you calling me a liar?”

This exact question pre-supposes exactly two types of statements that may come out of human mouths:  truths and lies.  This is fucking childish.

There are three types of statements:

  1. Truth
  2. Lie
  3. Mistake/Error

i.e., a person can be dead wrong, but obviously feel like they are telling the truth (subjective truth, objective falsehood).

This is what is so broken about eyewitness testimony.  An eye witness may have  no reason to lie that they saw XYZ walk into the convenience story with a gun, but that doesn’t mean they were right.  Especially since study after study has shown how unreliable and fragile human memory and perception can be.1   (If you do not believe me, spend 15 minutes with your elderly parents.)

  1. This seems especially wrenching in crimes of consent, where one person hears the answer was YES, and the other person remembers/believes the answer was NO. []

Hell is other people, period.

weekend as told through my Running Inner Monologue

[Scene: going to a wedding] … dontbelate dontbelate fuck fuck I forgot how to tie a tie. Google google, okay done. car service, zip a doo da. Why am I sweating. Hair still wet from shower. I look like a convict sitting at the defendant’s table in a rented suit. Unsettled but Dapper. (mental note for blog sub-heading). i’m-not-late i’m-not-late. Yes. Wedding’s in a Green Building near the Gowanus. Oh hi, there’s the groom, and there’s the bride. And there’s second groom and bride. double wedding. Nothing about this wedding will be conventional
Usual O-HAI-been-so-long-what-you-up-to-blah blah blah. Now onto the well revered traditions of the wedding, not the exchanging of vows, but the comprehensive survey of all cute single girls in the room. Hipster waif #1, hipster waif #2, yadda yadda heart stop, a thunderously cute girl flitters into my vision, cue the award music, Cutest Girl in the Room, a half-asian natalie-portman-esque pixie that smiles too easily and steals words out of your mind and all conviction from your heart. brief pause, Remember why you are here SELFISH CRAB, public celebration of love and commitment between like-souls, warmed by the fires lit by family and friendship. I need a drink, pronto. Social grist re-fill. glup glup glup glup.
[Scene: at BAR] Do you have anything harder? Yes that, on the rocks please, thanks. there is an elderly Asian woman standing on my left. why is she staring at me? “Are you Korean?” No, I am Chinese. this must be the groom’s mother. why is she grabbing my hand, where is she leading me where, oh to the side of the room where the groom’s family is hanging out, oh and to a group of girls, and STRAIGHT TO THE CUTEST GIRL IN THE ROOM. “He is Chinese” she says, and then walks away. uhhh okay you have been in worse awkward forced situations. quick. say something. Hi, I am Chinese. nooooo you idiot. say something charming. Apparently. That’s more like it. Self deprecate self immolate what’s the difference.

Why are you goddamn cute. Why do your smiles clear away rain clouds. Why are you saying something nice about patent law– are you feigning interest in my very dry specialty, you purposeful heartbreaker?? Fine, I will say something about Canada, from which you are from. Okay I’ll just name all the provinces I know, nova scotia, Alberta, saskatchewan, Quebec, yes those seduction lessons I got from the 2008 National Spelling Bee champion were very helpful thankful for asking. Are you actually impressed? Why are you so nice? Of course you are a nursing student. of course you work at a home for disabled peoples. Of course you have a heart of gold and a sweetness that would caramelize the scowls on the faces of sourpusses. Some say there is a fine line gentle between seduction and stalking, a line between assertive courtship and the suffocating advances of a social deaf-mute. Well, I whipped it out, and spelt out my name in urine all over that line.

And now you are leaving. Your whole family is leaving. Its late. You don’t want to stay out for another drink with me. Please accept my apologies in that whiskey brain prevents me from doing anything any normal person would do, such as get your phone number, or hatch a more convincing plan than “please please stay out for a drink” and “but you are so cute”, or leave you alone after you said goodbye and walked away. Why am I romantically disabled? I blame the whiskey. For me, WHISKEY IS AMAZING until it’s not, and then it’s very not.

Crab: Internet and Society

Inspiration: The Twitter Trap by Bill Keller, (now former, as of last week) executive editor of NY Times
See also, every Virginia Heffernan piece over 2000 words of the last 15 years

Remember the two fundamental changes in society that the Internet has wrought:

1) Information and data is now universally and near-instantaneously accessible and can be perfectly and cheaply copied.

2) The now main information path, i.e. the Internet, fundamentally is a request-based medium. I.e. You must request before you receive; aka not broadcast. (See, the underlying http protocol.)

Criticisms of websites like twitter and Facebook or foursquare must be filtered thru the above principles to figure out whether an effect of a new technology/website is 1) really just a consequence of the Internet, 2) really just a consequence of humans being humans, 3) or something actually new as a result of the website/tech.

The central claim of Keller’s piece, shared by more than one fuddy duddy: Twitter is harming public discourse because it dumbs down discourse, reduces conversation to sound bites, and facilitates gossip and rumor. At its best, it encourages navel gazing e.g. “ate a sandwich today lolz.”

Except it doesn’t. Twitter is just a message service, connected to SMS messaging, where users are connected by request as followers. All messages are public by default and are limited to an arbitrary character limit. What about this inherently does violence to human communication?

Technology is a value-neutral force of change. Generally, the hobgoblins and boogie men that commentators imagine– whether in the illusory socialization on Facebook, or the maligned idiocy of Twitter, is directly attributable to the underlying user of technology: human people. Those foul smelling oily smears. To paraphrase that aphorism about guns: if something on the Internet sucks, it’s because people suck.

In this case, I think Twitter seems stupid because  real people are actually just dumb and have dumb conversations. Real people have short, simple conversations laced with swear words and slander. And often talk about idiotic shit like what they did over the weekend, or drapes, or gosh darn it that wacky weather.  I’m sorry, but that’s just people.  Twitter only enables these people to talk quickly and publicly (See Change Effect #1 above).  The much-quoted 140 characters of twitter messages is not a limit; that’s a relief of a burden to say more. Many personal blogs die and fade away because their authors quickly realize how little of what they have to say requires long prose. But 140 characters? Yeah that is about the right expectation for civilians and barely literate celebrities and sports stars.

Looking at the specific Keller piece itself, his first mistake is to compare the printing press, one of the four greatest inventions in history to a fucking 5 year old website.  He goes on to short-change the effect of the western printing press. Those great feats of memorization that Keller bemoans the loss of were only lost by an elite educated few. The printing press gave written works– previously handmade, expensive, and accessible only to nobility and the religious elite– to everybody.  Enabled the spread of ideas and thoughts worldwide.   Such a benefit gained makes it seem almost petty to rue the loss of memorization of a few bald clerics.

Keller’s second mistake is to think great conversation happens on a regular basis. My suspicion is that Keller’s idea of conversation involves a dinner party in a Central Park West penthouse, where participants take turns speaking in whole paragraphs about Kant and the categorical imperative. Twitter exposes Keller to real people, and it shocks him. How else do you explain a grown man that is shocked SHOCKED that people have conversations that are, as Keller artfully described it, “reductive” and “redundant”.

Lastly, Keller seems to assume the rise of Twitter means this is the exclusive means of communication to replace all others. Is it not obvious that Twitter is just one form of communication, with its own appropriate time and place?Just as people negotiate when a face to face meeting is appropriate over a phone call (e.g. break-ups, condolences, job interviews), people too will learn to fit new means of messaging and communication into societal fabric and etiquette. To paraphrase a line from Jurassic Park, human socialization finds a way.

Honestly, I think old people take this “social media” shit way too seriously.  I guarantee you that no one under 30 actually believes they have 1,428 friends as according to Facebook.  No, people understand they are merely connected to 1,428 “friends” because that’s what Facebook calls them.  The metaphors provided by websites like Facebook, Twitter, Google use imperfect jargon to help relate new technology to existing social protocol/mores, but no one actually thinks the metaphors replace the social mores themselves.  See also, Jonathan Franzen’s head-in-ass rumination on the facebook “like”s.

To end, I just want to say that whenever someone gripes about change, whether wrought by technology or otherwise, I like to think hard about whatever is being lost or changed is really that holy or sacred, or whether someone is merely complaining about change on its face. Change is a constancy in life, especially in a modern life. And efforts are well spent documenting and understanding; but wasted, lamenting.

This could be organized better, but you get the idea.