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weekend as told through my Running Inner Monologue

[Scene: going to a wedding] … dontbelate dontbelate fuck fuck I forgot how to tie a tie. Google google, okay done. car service, zip a doo da. Why am I sweating. Hair still wet from shower. I look like a convict sitting at the defendant’s table in a rented suit. Unsettled but Dapper. (mental note for blog sub-heading). i’m-not-late i’m-not-late. Yes. Wedding’s in a Green Building near the Gowanus. Oh hi, there’s the groom, and there’s the bride. And there’s second groom and bride. double wedding. Nothing about this wedding will be conventional
Usual O-HAI-been-so-long-what-you-up-to-blah blah blah. Now onto the well revered traditions of the wedding, not the exchanging of vows, but the comprehensive survey of all cute single girls in the room. Hipster waif #1, hipster waif #2, yadda yadda heart stop, a thunderously cute girl flitters into my vision, cue the award music, Cutest Girl in the Room, a half-asian natalie-portman-esque pixie that smiles too easily and steals words out of your mind and all conviction from your heart. brief pause, Remember why you are here SELFISH CRAB, public celebration of love and commitment between like-souls, warmed by the fires lit by family and friendship. I need a drink, pronto. Social grist re-fill. glup glup glup glup.
[Scene: at BAR] Do you have anything harder? Yes that, on the rocks please, thanks. there is an elderly Asian woman standing on my left. why is she staring at me? “Are you Korean?” No, I am Chinese. this must be the groom’s mother. why is she grabbing my hand, where is she leading me where, oh to the side of the room where the groom’s family is hanging out, oh and to a group of girls, and STRAIGHT TO THE CUTEST GIRL IN THE ROOM. “He is Chinese” she says, and then walks away. uhhh okay you have been in worse awkward forced situations. quick. say something. Hi, I am Chinese. nooooo you idiot. say something charming. Apparently. That’s more like it. Self deprecate self immolate what’s the difference.

Why are you goddamn cute. Why do your smiles clear away rain clouds. Why are you saying something nice about patent law– are you feigning interest in my very dry specialty, you purposeful heartbreaker?? Fine, I will say something about Canada, from which you are from. Okay I’ll just name all the provinces I know, nova scotia, Alberta, saskatchewan, Quebec, yes those seduction lessons I got from the 2008 National Spelling Bee champion were very helpful thankful for asking. Are you actually impressed? Why are you so nice? Of course you are a nursing student. of course you work at a home for disabled peoples. Of course you have a heart of gold and a sweetness that would caramelize the scowls on the faces of sourpusses. Some say there is a fine line gentle between seduction and stalking, a line between assertive courtship and the suffocating advances of a social deaf-mute. Well, I whipped it out, and spelt out my name in urine all over that line.

And now you are leaving. Your whole family is leaving. Its late. You don’t want to stay out for another drink with me. Please accept my apologies in that whiskey brain prevents me from doing anything any normal person would do, such as get your phone number, or hatch a more convincing plan than “please please stay out for a drink” and “but you are so cute”, or leave you alone after you said goodbye and walked away. Why am I romantically disabled? I blame the whiskey. For me, WHISKEY IS AMAZING until it’s not, and then it’s very not.

I played Goose to my friend’s Maverick at a singles mixer recently, which turned out to be a total bust. It was like wife-hunting in a hockey locker room. Ah well. So afterwards I decided to walk to Ippudo and have myself some akamaru ramen. It’s like that expression: when life gives you lemons, you throw that shit out and you go buy some 15-year single malt scotch.

happy anniversary

Whoops, forgot my own anniversary. As of last week, I have been blogging for 10 years. Whatever. I’m over it.

Daytime birthday parties means you are either very young or very old.

Human rubble, part two

According to The Pierley /Redford Dissociative Affect Diagnostic (via waxy):

You reach out to the world and pull in experiences of all forms and kinds. Spontaneous, immediate and active, you have a natural tendency to win, whether this is in the business world or on the freeway. In the right context this can be a positive encouragement to those around you. In the wrong context it can lead to a pathetic display of ego and misplaced pride. You are always on the prowl for clues as to how to win. Usually this behavior is unconscious or playful but the sense of play can rapidly disappear if you are found to be losing in the aforementioned contest. Only those who don’t compete are met with derision. You love to be the center of attention. The moment at hand is always of prime concern. Worries about the future or the past, or abstract discussions of philosophical matters are something for others to concern themselves with. Emotions are fleeting and often used as tactics.

Which shape can read your mind?

Things I Learned 2011-03

prod

I have finally found that elusive beast, productivity. Apparently it stalks in the ungodly hours.

bust

Well, at least I still have my physical health, and the love and admiration of my peers.

Things I Learned: 2011-02

In which I failed.

  • littoral – adj. pertaining to the shore area [source]
  • The following directors have never won a Oscar for Best Director: Alfred Hitchcock, Orson Welles, Sidney Lumet, Quentin Tarantino, Stanley Kubrick, Spike Lee. [source]
  • chundering – n. UK slang for vomiting [source]
  • The Green Bay Packers are a non-profit, community owner organization– the only one in American pro sports. [source] [more info]
  • Wikipedia article of the month: Toilet paper orientation.  Complete with 127 footnotes.
  • President Lincoln suffered from clinical depression for most of his adult life, and it was widely known to his contemporaries.  Sad Abe day? [source]

New diversion:  Steak of the Month Club.

NY Times:  The Dirty Little Secrets of Search

Mr. Stevens agreed to meet in mid-January for a dinner paid for by The Times. Asked to pick a “fine restaurant” in his neighborhood, he rather cheekily selected a modern French bistro in Palo Alto offering an eight-course prix fixe meal for $118. Liquid nitrogen and “fairy tale pumpkin” were two of the featured ingredients.

God, what snippy reporting.

New York Times: After Ban, Groups Say Earmarks Aren’t So Bad:

Many citizens, even those who sympathize with cuts in spending, insist that not all pork is cured with the same untoward salt. “I do agree we have to cut from somewhere,” said Steve Tribble, the county judge executive of Christian County in Kentucky, where a planned road project is now imperiled. “I am against some earmarks,” he said. “Not the good ones. I can promise you this is not a road to nowhere.” (emphasis added)

Doozy of a sentence.  Someone’s got pent-up writing energies…

Superbowl XLV commercial recap

My thoughts after skipping almost the entirety of the game, and watching all the commercials afterwards on Hulu.

Sell-out of the year?  Tie between Eminem for Lipton Ice Tea. or Black Eyed Peas for SalesForce.com.  You could argue that Eminem’s commercial was at least self-referential with regards to his endorsement, while there is now a site called thebabypeas.com.

Every PepsiMax commercial was awful.

Best commercial, hands-down, was Chrysler’s “Imported from Detroit“.   Statement piece. Shifts the conversation about their company.  Takes their disadvantage (decrepit Detroit) and turns it to their strength.  Some is serious Don Draper Wheel of Life shit.  Even the Eminem (active day for him, eh?) cameo was dead-on because does anyone else represent Detroit and rebirth better than him?


Imported from Detroit

Apparently, cut-throat coupon competitors GroupOn and LivingSocial both had commercials. GroupOn wins. LivingSocial’s makes me scratch my head as to what I just watched or what the take-away was supposed to be.

GroupOn.


LivingSocial.

The beer commercials keep getting weaker and weaker.   At least nothing was overtly sexist or degrading this year.  Stella Artois’ “Crying Jean” is the only one that stirred anything in me.

Creepiest commercial: there are a number of incredibly creepy commercials this year. Which makes you shudder more: “Doritos the Best Part” or this Android commercial?


The Best Part


Sony Ericcson’s PLAY android commercial

Which commercials stuck out with you?

200 hours

200 hours this month, or bust.  And by bust, I mean, bust.

People define success by many means. I will know I have made it when I have one of these in my place.

Things I Learned 2011-01

I like putting the via’s because it shows how new knowledge is everywhere if you just goddamn pay attention to what you do not know.
  • The kiwifruit used to be known as the Chinese gooseberry, until an international importer got their mitts on it. [via]
  • roustabout – n. a labourer typically performing temporary, unskilled work. The term has traditionally been used to refer to traveling-circus workers or oil rig workers. [via]
  • Aztec priests used to choose a man to represent one of their gods, Tezcatlipoca. The man would be worshiped as a god for a year, wearing expensive jewellery and having eight attendants. He would marry four young women, and spent his last week singing, feasting and dancing.  But at a preordained date during on a festival, he climbed the stairs to the top of the temple on his own where the priests seized him and sacrificed him, his body being eaten later.  Immediately after he died a new victim for the next year’s ceremony was chosen. [via]
  • Possums are formally known as opossums.  Oh, and they involuntarily excrete a foul-smelling liquid from their anal glands when they play dead.  Convincing bastards.  [via]
  • Patent of the month: Garment Device Convertible to One or More Facemasks [via]

I think I am finally over World War II.

The Opium Wars, I’m still working on.

I post in spurts.